Feel Something
by Eanna Malkavia
Summary: Emily is dead. Cal is a complete mess. When Gillian goes to comfort him, suddenly her sanity and his are on the edge. She will need every ounce of strength to save both their lives. Rated M for violence against women. Out of character scenes
1. Chapter 1

**Note from the author: I decided to repost without changes. Honestly I just needed some time to figure out if I wanted it on the site or not. This is a very rough story. Rated mature for a very good reason. Well written – I got some amazing reviews for it last time. Despite the tough content, I am proud of this story. I normally don't write this well. (Don't mean to sound conceited, but this story was hard as hell to write and turned out very well.) I would say enjoy, but then I just sound evil. Please read. Please review. And PM me if you want to chat, or yell at me. I deserve the latter, at least a bit. There will be no more author's notes until the very end.**

_**Feel Something**_

**I**

When Cal didn't answer her persistent knocking on his front door, Gillian let herself in and found him in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and staring at an island piled with liquor bottles.

_He should not be drinking. It won't help him. He knows that doesn't he?_

Gillian stopped a few feet from him, worried about his temper. He'd been beyond volatile for days, ever since Emily...

_Drowned. What a horrible way to die. To choke to death on water in the car next to your father._

"Cal, are you drunk?"

He took his time answering her, his eyes lingering on the bottles before they moved to her face.

"Can't be drunk if I haven't started drinking yet."

She thought she heard him slur his words and in an instant she was furious.

_You cannot drink now Cal!_

Without thinking about it, Gillian positioned herself between Cal and the alcohol.

"I don't believe you."

Cal crossed his arms and just stared at Gillian, his face closed and unreadable.

_I can't read him. I can't tell what he's thinking. How can he make his face do that? He cannot have taken muscle relaxants. He has no reason to and no thought to do so._

He exploded in movement without any hint of his fury crossing his face and pinned Gillian to the island with his body.

"What don't you believe, that you have to drink to be drunk or that I haven't had a sip yet? Want to read my face or smell my breath? I haven't had anything to drink yet."

His face expressed his honesty and Gillian nodded like an excited child or a frightened woman.

"Okay, I believe you."

_I do believe you, but you have to stop acting like this Cal._

Cal picked up a bottle to Gillian's right and she glanced at it. Rum.

"This looks good."

_Water looks good._

"Cal-"

"Nah. Not that one."

He put the bottle down and as his eyes traveled across Gillian's chest to look at the bottles on her left, his eyes lingered on her breasts and Gillian took a step to her right when she saw what he was doing.

_Don't look at me like that. I can't do that._

"Hey, where you going?"

Cal's hands grabbed the island on either side of her and Gillian found herself trapped between a man in a silent rage and his alcohol.

_I have to calm him down. This will pass._

"Cal-"

"You have to help me pick one, Gillian."

_He never calls me that. What is going on with him?_

"I don't want-"

"Quiet."

His eyes darkened and for the first time, Gillian was frightened by Cal.

"Stop."

Pushing her body against the island to hold her there, Cal picked up bottles and gave them a quick glance before setting them back down.

"How about this. Scotch? No. Maybe this one. Whiskey. No, doesn't suit my needs. You know, there isn't a single thing here I want to drink, at least not anything with alcohol in it."

He stared into her eyes, his own hungry and depraved and Gillian realized what he meant.

_No!_

"Cal!"

_He can't be saying that. That cannot happen._

Cal's eyes took in her suit jacket and trousers and nodded in appreciation.

_Don't look at me that way._

"You don't usually wear a suit, but it looks good on you. So have you had anything to drink Foster?"

His breath got under her collar and beads of sweat ran down Gillian's chest.

"What?"

_Snap him out of this._

"Have you been drinking Foster?"

Cal grinned a cocky little grin that sent a chill up and down her spine.

"No."

His eyes traveled down her chest, then back up to Gillian's eyes and what she saw in them terrified her.

"Good."

_No, not good._

Gillian pushed against him, shoving and struggling to escape his tight arms.

"Stop it Cal!"

Cal shoved her back against the island and a jolt of pain flew up her spine.

_My back!_

"Oh you stop it Gil!"

_Never Gil or Gillian but now twice in a minute._

"Please stop it Cal!"

_Make him stop this before it goes too far!_

"Rather not. You enjoying this as much as I am?"

She glared at him and Cal smiled as she answered him.

"What? No."

_How could I enjoy you scaring me?_

Cal studied her face, his curiosity unnerving.

"Oh now that's an interesting look. Fear and...what is that? Smugness? Is that the word for it? It's an interesting combination. Together it's defiance. Isn't it?"

With all her stored strength, Gillian shoved Cal and he stumbled backwards, but stood between her and the door.

_Keep him calm. Go around the island. Get out._

"You're not...you're not yourself Cal."

_Keep him calm? He can't be calm. How could he?_

"Really? How's that?"

_He needs sleep. Yes, sleep may help._

"When was the last time you slept? You look exhausted."

Cal grabbed her left arm as she tried to slip around the corner of the island and he shoved her into the wall, but didn't pin her there with his body.

"Oh are you going to put me to bed?"

_No._

"You need to get some sleep Cal."

In an instant Cal pressed his body against hers and he shouted into her face.

"I can't sleep. I can't sleep! I lay there thinking about Emily!"

_Emily. Of course. You're a psychologist Gillian. Help him._

"There was nothing you could do to save her-"

"There was everything I could have done to save her! You have no idea how I feel."

His face was blank again and Gillian couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Yes, I do Cal. I lost my daughter, too."

_I do know how you feel._

"Oh please, Gil, the biological mother wanted her back. It's not the same thing."

_How dare he!_

Angered and fed up, Gillian shouted back.

"It feels like the same thing and that's what matters!"

Cal squeezed her arms and the breath out of her lungs as he crammed Gillian's body between his own and the wall.

_Can't, breathe. Stop it Cal._

"Oh so you know what it feels like to be dead, empty, numb?"

Gillian managed a few words, hopeful he would let her breathe when he heard her.

"Cal...you're...scaring...me."

A moment later the pressure on her chest let up as Cal released her.

"I'm scaring you?"

He didn't sound concerned or sorry as he crossed his arms and leaned against the island.

_Yes. Yes you are._

Taking a deep breath, Gillian walked past him.

_And I'm leaving._

"Yes."

_Just keep walking. You can't help him right now. You'll just get hurt._

A snort of laughter from Cal got Gillian's heart pounding faster as she continued walking out of the kitchen and his next words, and the snide way he said them, made the little hairs all over her body stand up straight.

"Oh that's great."

Her step faltered but Gillian kept walking.

_Don't respond. Don't encourage him. Just leave. You can't help him when he's acting like a bastard. And what does he even mean?_

Against her better judgment, Gillian responded to Cal's remark.

"How is that-"

Cal's right arm snaked around Gillian's neck and his left around her waist as he jerked her up and out of her heels and pulled her backwards, and not into the kitchen, but down the hallway leading to his bedroom.

"Because I felt something."

_Not there. No!_

"No! Cal!"

Gillian clawed at his arms but couldn't get through the fabric of his dress shirt.

_Have to get away from him!_

Her struggling got her nowhere but thrown hard against the wall.

"I didn't feel numb."

_And this is no way to feel anything! Not like this, Cal, not like this!_

Bruised, disoriented and in pain where her shoulder met the wall, Gillian tried to stand but Cal grabbed her wrists in one hand and dragged her into his bedroom.

_No! What is he doing!_

"No Cal, stop! Please stop!"

Cal ignored her pleas, hauled Gillian to her feet and shoved her onto the bed.

_No, this is not happening!_

Gillian tried sliding off the side of the mattress but Cal caught her ankle and pulled her down to the foot of the bed.

_Hit him!_

Her fist popped up but Cal caught it with his left and dug his right deep into her stomach.

"You should stay here. I'll be right back."

Cal disappeared down the hallway as Gillian gasped for air.

_No. No. No. No._

Unable to breathe, Gillian crumbled in the middle of the bed.

_I have to get the hell out of here!_

Back in the kitchen, Cal selected a bottle of vodka and a chef's knife before he went back into his room and kicked the door shut with his foot.

_Is that a knife? Oh God. No Cal!_

Cal walked over to his nightstand, set the bottle down, stuck the knife in the wood and glanced down at a battered Gillian.

"Can you help me feel more, Dr. Foster?"


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

Struggling to sit up, Gillian looked into Cal's eyes and spoke.

"Cal, please! You...you can't-"

Before Gillian could get another word out, Cal pulled up his right arm and backhanded her, sending Gillian back onto the mattress.

_Have to get him to stop. Think of something!_

Her jaw ached but as the seconds ticked by the pain receded and Gillian was able to gaze up at Cal as she lay on her side.

"Can't feel? Is that what you were going to say? Cause I can feel. I can feel right now and it feels good."

_No, you are not that kind of guy Cal!_

He cocked his head and the stare Cal gave her scared the hell out of Gillian, even more so than she already was.

_Stop him! Stop him! Snap him out of this before it really is too late!_

"No, Cal, it feels bad."

Cal grabbed Gillian's throat with both hands, pulled her to her knees and squeezed with his thumbs, stopping her air.

_That didn't work. It didn't help. What's wrong with him? Is this PTSD?_

"It's feeling as opposed to not feeling! Do you have any idea what it feels like not to feel, Foster?"

"Can't...breathe."

He let go of her neck and Gillian fell forward, sucking in air as she caught her weight on her arms.

_Fine. Feel. Beat me so you can feel just please don't do what I think you're going to do!_

"Breathe now, Foster? Jesus, you look like a fucking dog when you do that. I like it."

With just his left hand this time, Cal grabbed her neck again, but right under her chin and he was careful not to cut off her air or blood flow as he lifted her head up to face him.

_No, don't say that. Don't go that far._

Off balance, Gillian grabbed hold of Cal's wrist and noted the only exposed skin was on his hands.

"Cal please, stop. This isn't you."

_Please don't do it._

"Isn't it?"

_Isn't it? What the hell is he saying? I thought this was PTSD._

"Cal, please-"

"Stop fucking saying please!"

He pinched her throat, the bronchial tube and voice box to keep her from screaming, as he pushed her down onto the mattress and, straddling her, began to beat Gillian about the chest and face with his other fist.

S_top. Please, Cal, stop it! This hurts!_

Each time Cal's relentless fist met a new part of her fragile body, Gillian screamed, but her shrieks only left her lips as low whimpers, marking her pain.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God!_

Tears spilled over her temples and pain lanced across her face, but Cal was ignoring her obvious suffering, despite staring straight into her agonized face.

_Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!_

Gillian managed to squeak out a few words between strikes.

"Stop...Cal! Please..stop...please!"

_I take back what I thought a few seconds ago! Stop beating me! Please!_

Cal stopped punching her and lowered his face to hers until their noses almost touched.

"What did I fucking say about please?"

This time Gillian only managed a soft whisper, but it reached Cal's ears.

"Cal, you're...hurting...me. Stop."

He released her and climbed off the bed, turning away from Gillian and not noticing that she rolled onto her right side and perched on the far side of the mattress.

_Get out. Call the cops. This is..._

Gillian ignored the pain and sat up, setting her shoeless feet on the ground.

_God I can't believe I denied it, ignored it, all these years. This is..._

She didn't dare risk looking behind her and kept moving, pushing herself up off the bed with her arms.

_I think this is Intermittent Explosive Disorder and if it is, he won't stop. Just get out now._

"You don't know what hurt is, Foster."

Then Gillian heard the curious sound of the knife being removed from the wood.

_Run._

Cal grabbed her jacket collar before she could turn or even take a step away from him, pulled her backwards, planting her butt back on the bed and then he pressed the cold, flat metal surface of the knife against the side of her throat.

_Oh my God. Cal. Don't. Do. It. Please, don't cut my throat!_

The mattress sagged a bit behind her as Cal stopped moving just a few inches from her back.

"Cal-"

He tugged on her jacket and his next words threatened to make Gillian piss herself, if she hadn't stopped at a gas station to relieve herself before arriving at Cal's place.

"Take your jacket off."

_God no, not that. Don't undress me. Please don't undress me._

"No."

She swallowed and waited for the reaction she knew was coming.

_Don't cut me, don't cut me, don't cut me!_

Cal slid the flat of the knife back and forth across the side of her neck.

"What did you say, love?"

_No!_

"No! I said no!"

_He called me love. Love. Love? This isn't love and I am not your love! You wouldn't be doing this to me if I was your love! What is wrong with you Cal?_

The knife flipped in Cal's hand and he pressed its sharp edge against Gillian's neck, right under the corner of her jaw.

_Oh God no!_

"Gil-"

"No! Stop!"

_Stop it, please stop it._

"Take it off. That button shirt too."

_Not my blouse. Not my jacket, not my pants, not my panties. I won't. I won't do it. I won't let you do this. Not to me and not to yourself._

"No, Cal."

"Fucking take them off."

_Okay. Okay. Plan. As I slip out of my jacket I'll dodge to my left, get to the door before he has time to react and then I will get the hell out of this house._

Gillian shrugged her shoulders, and with Cal's assistance, the jacket slipped down her arms.

_Set. Go._

She flew out of her jacket, across the room, and seized the door handle just as Cal slammed into her, knocking the oxygen out of her lungs and pinning her between him and the door.

_No!_

Her neck felt the familiar cold metal of the knife, pressed just below her ear.

"No!"

The word sounded weak coming out of her throat, no louder than a mouse squeak.

_How did he move so fast?_

"You shouldn't have done that, Foster."

He said her name with a firm venom in his voice, making the two syllables sound like a distinct threat of absolute devastation, terrifying Gillian even more.

"Let me go. Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. I swear I-"

"No."

_Oh God, he's going to kill me when this is over. Let him kill me now! I'd rather be dead than be..._

Cal flipped her hair out of the way with his knife and he licked Gillian behind her ear.

_Stop! No, no, no, Stop! I take it back, I take it back! I want to live, but I don't want to live with that! Stop him before he crosses that line!_

Fighting him with a strength she didn't know she had, Gillian ignored the knife and drove her elbow into Cal's stomach, knocking him back as she threw open the bedroom door and sprinted down the hallway.

_Go, go, go, go, go!_

Cal's weight grabbed her around the waist and knocked her to the ground, the knife slicing across Gillian's stomach, leaving her with a superficial flesh wound, but quite a bit of burning pain.

_Get away from him! Get away from that knife!_

Her knee ached and searing pain shot up and down Gillian's leg, but she ignored it and disentangled herself from Cal's arms.

_Get up, Gillian. Get moving._

As Cal growled and rolled onto his right side, Gillian found herself with only one available escape route, a left into the dead end of the kitchen.

_There are knives in the kitchen!_

Gillian scrambled on her hands and one good knee, unable to gain her feet and stand on the right knee that smacked the hardwood floor.

_Get a knife, get a knife, get a knife._

When her hand was a foot from the knife block, Gillian felt Cal's hand close around her ankle and she lunged, but Cal yanked harder and she hit the floor.

_No! No! No! Okay. Just get his knife. Get Cal's knife!_

But instead of attacking her there on the floor, Cal seized her other ankle, flipped Gillian onto her back and began dragging her out of the kitchen.

"No, no! Help me! Someone help me!"

Gillian's throat burned from Cal choking her and the effort of her screaming.

_My voice! Where's my voice? I can't scream loud enough for anyone to hear me!_

Cal chuckled and glanced back at her as they cleared the kitchen doorway.

"Have a sore throat, Gil? I can barely hear you up here."

_No one can hear me. No one can help me!_

As Cal came across her shoes, he kicked them into the bedroom.

"Don't do this, Cal."

They entered his bedroom again and Cal stabbed the knife back into the wood before he picked up a thrashing Gillian and tossed her onto the bed.

"Still can't understand you, love."


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

Gillian fought him and Cal hit her a few more times, until she stopped and curled up in pain, then he walked over to his bedroom door and slammed it shut.

"Stop."

_Please stop this. Just stop this!_

"Speak up if you've got something to say love."

_Stop calling me love._

Rising on unsteady arms, Gillian glared at Cal as he walked back over and fingered the bottle of vodka.

"I am not your love, Cal."

He grabbed her throat with his left hand again, not squeezing very hard, but still squeezing, and clenched his right hand in a fist at his side.

"What did you say? Come on now, don't be shy about it. Tell me!"

_Tell you? Fine, I'll say it._

Gillian gasped enough air to speak her mind and she spat the words out.

"I am not your fucking love Cal!"

_I am not your love!_

"You are my love! You are my fucking love! You're my love!"

He shook her and choked her as he yelled and Gillian clawed at his shirt.

_Stop! Can't breathe! Stop, please stop I can't breathe!_

Cal grabbed the knife and sliced it across Gillian's arm in three parallel lines as they stared into each other's eyes.

_Oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop!_

Gillian's face expressed her physical pain, her eyes widening, her mouth opening to form a perfect oh and her muscles all tightening with each slice of the knife, but Cal ignored her pain despite watching her face for its signs.

_You're hurting me! Stop hurting me!_

Brushing the flat of the blade up her arm, Cal released Gillian's neck and she crumbled, tears flowing down her cheeks as she squeezed her arm above the cuts.

_Think! Think! He says he love me, so use that!_

"Cal, stop this! You called me your love, you say I am your love, so love me, don't hurt me!"

_Please work. Please make him stop hurting me._

"You want love, Foster? Take off your shirt and we'll fix that wound up, then we'll move on to other forms of love."

_No, I didn't mean it like that! I want to keep my clothes on!_

"I...I want to keep my shirt on."

Cal's temper erupted and he waved the knife in front of Gillian's eyes, making her back across the bed fast.

"Well I want it off!"

_Well I don't!_

"No! No! I won't take it off!"

He jumped on top of her then, pinning Gillian beneath his weight before she could even try to scream.

_No, get off me! Get off me!_

Pulling Gillian's hands up over her head and keeping hold of them with his left hand, Cal used the knife to shimmy the fabric free of her trousers, then, sliced off every single button, revealing the lacy black bra underneath.

_God no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it!_

He hauled her up and started sliding the shirt down her shoulders, but Gillian clutched her arms to her chest.

_No! This stays on!_

Cal stepped off the bed and stood there, looking down at her and holding the knife behind him a foot, ready to slash it through the air.

"I will cut it off, Gillian! Is that what you want? I will slice it off your body! Now take it off or I will!"

_I don't want him to cut me again, I don't want him to cut me again!_

Gillian stared at the knife and Cal caught her looking at it, so he took a step backwards and hid the knife behind his back.

_I can't get that knife. I can't get that knife!_

Sobbing and manic, Gillian wrenched off her own shirt and tossed it in Cal's face before she pulled her legs up to her chest, clutching them and crying into her knees.

_Why did I do that, why did I do that, why did I do that?_

"Leave me alone, just leave me alone! Leave me alone, Cal, just leave me alone."

She heard him set the knife back on the table and pick up the vodka, then the sounds of Cal unscrewing the cap.

"This may sting a bit."

_Sting? What may sting?_

Gillian grit her teeth and shrieked as Cal poured the vodka over her cuts.

_Stings this burns!_

After Cal poured a quarter of the bottle over her arm, he took a quick sip, then offered the bottle to Gillian.

_He's offering me alcohol?_

"No, I don't want any."

He grabbed the back of her neck and tipped the bottle to her lips.

"Drink."

_Okay! Okay! I'll drink!_

Supporting the bottom of the bottle while Cal held the neck, Gillian took a sip, but then Cal tipped it up more and forced her to keep drinking.

_Too much! Too much! I need to breathe!_

Cal took the bottle away from her lips just in time and Gillian gulped in lungful after lungful of air, almost hyperventilating.

_That was way too much alcohol. I won't be able to defend myself as well. I have to throw up!_

As Cal turned away to put the bottle back on the nightstand, Gillian shoved her finger down her throat.

_I never thought I would ever do this! Please work. Please work. Please work._

Just as she felt a tingle in the back of her throat, Cal seized her wrist, pulled her hand out of her mouth, forced Gillian onto her back, climbed on top of her and choked her.

_No!_

She begged him for the chance to breathe with what little oxygen she had left.

"Cal...stop. Need..air. Stop...Cal. Stop."

_Please stop. Please stop!_

Gillian stared into his dark eyes until she saw spots and when her eyes began to roll back, Cal let go of her throat and climbed off the bed.

_Air!_

She rolled onto her side, coughing and gasping and hacking like a cat.

_I still need to throw up! Please throw up! Throw up!_

Gillian tried the finger trick again, but her body wouldn't throw up and the coughs just sent waves of pain down her throat and chest.

_No, no, no! I have to get this alcohol out of my body before my bloodstream absorbs it! Now throw up!_

She tried again, forcing her finger farther back in her throat.

_It's not working. It's not working!_

Again Gillian tried and again it didn't work, sending her into a harder fit of sobs than before.

"Breathing well now, Foster?"

Looking up, Gillian stopped crying and stopped breathing when she saw what Cal was doing.

_His shirt..._

Cal finished unbuttoning the last two buttons on his dress shirt, pulled it off and tossed it in front of the door.

_No._

"Cal. No. Don't. Don't!"

_ Please don't remove any more of your clothes. Or my clothes. Please, stop._

He ignored her pleading and her kicking when he approached her.

_Stay away from me! No, stay away! Stay away!_

"Foster-"

"No!"

Cal punched her in the sternum and Gillian collapsed on the sheets, her chest heavy and tight.

_Is this what a heart attack feels like?_

With Gillian immobilized and prone on the sheets, Cal straddled her legs and, grabbing the knife, sliced off her bra between her breasts and at the straps, then he cut off the button on her suit pants.

_No! Fight him! Fight him!_

Gillian began thrashing and kicking and hitting and lifted her back off the sheets as she fought him, but Cal overpowered her, pulled off what remained of her bra and tossed it on top of his shirt before he forced her back down.

_This can't happen! No, this can't happen!_

She tried sliding out from beneath Cal but he grabbed her wrists and pushed her around until her head was at the top and her body in the middle of the bed.

"Comfy love?"

_No I am not comfy and I am not your love!_

"Stop calling me your love and get off of me!"

That earned her a powerful and stunning slap across the face and then Cal released her wrists and began unzipping her pants.

_No, no, stop, stop! Don't do that!_

She pushed his hands away then tried slapping them away when they returned a second later and before Gillian could scratch Cal, he seized her wrists in one hand and used the other to finish unzipping her.

_Don't do that! Please don't!_

Gillian cried and screamed but with her damaged throat she couldn't get enough volume.

_Oh please stop! Please, please, please stop! Don't do this!_

Cal slipped his hand beneath her panties and pulled them and her pants down her thighs.

_Stop it! Stop it!_

She locked her knees together underneath him and when he reached her knees, Cal looked up into her face.

"Take 'em off! Now!"

_Never._

"No, I will not-"

"Gil-"

"No! Get off of me!"

Cal grabbed the knife off the table and held it to her throat.

_You won't do this..._

"Take...them...fucking...off...Foster."

Gillian stared into his eyes, her own full of defiance.

"No."

_You will not do this to me. I don't care what psychological disorder you have, you will not do this._

Stabbing the knife into a pillow just inches from Gillian's face, Cal stuck his hand between her thighs.

_No, no, please not that!_

"Take them off, Foster. Now!"


	4. Chapter 4

**IV**

As Cal's fingers traveled up her thighs, Gillian bit her lips to keep from screaming out loud.

_No, no, no, no, no! Don't do that! Please, please, please don't do that! Please, Cal, don't!_

"Okay, okay, okay! I'll take them off, just don't do that. I'll take them off, I'll take them off! Just don't do that!"

Cal pulled his hand out from between Gillian's legs and as she relaxed her knees, he slid her pants down to her ankles.

"Kick those off for me, love?"

_He still has his pants on so I still have time. Just do this so he won't use his fingers._

Gillian slid her feet out of her pants and nudged them off the foot of the bed.

What do I do now? Think, Gillian, think!

Staring in her eyes, Cal began to unzip his jeans.

_No. No. No. Do something Gillian. Think of something._

He slid out of his jeans faster than Gillian would have thought possible and then she tried bucking him off of her.

"Don't, Cal! No, no, don't! Don't do this!"

He traced his finger across her lips and made soft shush sounds until she stopped.

"Quiet, love, quiet."

_Stop calling me love! Wait. Wait, wait. Hold on. I think I can get my hands on that knife._

Gillian smiled at him and used everything she knew about micro expressions to make her smile a hundred percent genuine.

"Cal, I'd love to run my fingers through your hair as we do this."

_How is he going to react to that? I just tried fighting him off of me and saying no and don't, and now I'm acting like I want to make love to him. Please buy it, Cal._

His face changed in that instant, the rage he'd had throughout the attack replaced by surprise and pleasure.

"You would?"

_He's buying it. Instead of looking furious he looks happy._

Gillian nodded, kept smiling and kept concentrating on making her face look happy.

"Yes Cal, I would."

_Now let go of my wrists and leave that knife there._

"Hold on, love, this is dangerous."

_Wait, what does he mean this is dangerous?_

Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian saw Cal grab hold of the knife and pull it out of the pillow.

_No, you were supposed to leave the knife! Just keep smiling like nothing is wrong, Gillian. He's not going to use that knife on you. He thinks you're going to make love._

Cal leaned toward the nightstand and slid the knife far onto the wood, out of reach of both of them.

_Maybe I can still work that into my plan. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't get my hands on that thing._

"Thank you, Cal. That was dangerous where it was."

_What am I saying? Oh, I'm beginning to feel that alcohol...ow, my head. It almost hurts as much as my body._

"Welcome, love."

_He sounds so genuine and sincere. I cannot believe I am about to do this but it's the only option I have left._

"Will you make gentle love to me, Cal?"

_Okay, I've said it. I have to do this. If I do this, and if I do it right, then Cal won't, maybe, won't hurt me so bad._

Instead of answering Gillian then, Cal kissed her on the lips, very light, and to sell him on her sincerity, she kissed him back.

"Yes, love."

_Good, good. Now I could try...try to limit how much more he hurts me and I might survive this. Just work with him Gillian._

"Cal, I really need my hands to do this."

_Please, please, please release my hands. I at least have a shot at getting out of this house and this bed and this situation if I can use my hands. Give me my hands and I may still keep my sanity._

Releasing his hold on her wrists, Cal smiled and looked happier than Gillian had seen him in the days since Emily died.

_He looks so...gratified, like I'm helping him. I don't understand. I feel like I should, but I don't. I need to read his mind right now, instead of just his face._

As Gillian rubbed her wrists, Cal lingered over her body, straddling her chest with his arms.

"Ready, love?"

_Is this what he needs? My love? Will that help him or just make him think he can get this whenever he __wants through violence?_

Cal waited for her answer, patient with Gillian as she continued rubbing her sore wrists.

_What is going on in his head? Is Cal really all there or is he damaged by what happened to Emily?_

His weight kept Gillian pinned and after the beating he gave her, she didn't have the strength to fight him off of her.

_If I do this, is it the same thing as telling him, yes, you can do what you want with me, and no, the way you got it is not wrong, or is this the smart thing, and the best thing to do?_

Buying a bit more time, Gillian smoothed her hair and rubbed her neck.

_I'm gaining control over how this happens, because I see no more chances of getting out of this. I can make sure this is gentle, that Cal is gentle._

"Will you promise to be gentle, Cal?"

_Please promise to be gentle. Please, because I cannot handle sex that is as rough as your foreplay and if you are rough with me anymore, I will be just as rough with you._

"I can be gentle. I'll be gentle."

_Promise it! Promise it and be gentle or I swear I will bite chunks out of your arms and chest. Swear it on...I don't know, maybe what little is left of our relationship._

"Cal, promise. Swear it."

_Please let this mad plan work. I've already been beaten and choked, I cannot handle being brutally raped, too. God, please let this help him. I want the old Cal back._

"Foster, I swear to be gentle making love with you."

_ Okay, okay, your face says you're being honest with me. Just continue being honest._

Gillian placed her hands on Cal's chest and looked into his eyes.

_One last shot at ending this before it goes any farther. Now ask him._

With a very serious, very straightforward and very legitimate tone to her voice, Gillian used her last card.

"Are you sure you're ready to cross this line, Cal?"

At her words, Cal's face changed, but not back to enraged.

_Hold on. His face. His expressions. He looks...Cal looks...unsure. He looks...frightened._

Cal took a deep breath and blinked a few times when his eyes became watery.

"I...Foster...I don't know if I am."

_Is this Cal? Is Cal back? Or has this always been Cal and he's now realizing what this situation is?_

"Cal, I-"

"Are you sure about doing this, Foster?"

_I'm sure I want to get off this bed and have someone besides myself analyze you. I need to know what this outburst was, PTSD or Intermittent Explosive Disorder. And please let it be a was. Don't erupt over my answer._

"No, Cal. I'm not sure."

_What does that expression mean? Is that clarity? Or is it...relief?_

"You don't want this at all, do you?"

_Well, to be honest, I thought our first time would be a unanimous decision, and not one that would come after you beat me._

"No, Cal, I don't want it."

Gillian cried as she said it and she closed her eyes as the tears flowed.

_I can't do this. I just can't. I thought I could but I'm not that strong, if it even is strength that made me think this could save me. Just kill me right now, because I cannot go through any more of this._

The weight on top of her shifted, then disappeared altogether and when Gillian cracked open her eyes, she saw Cal sitting on the edge of the bed, settling his hand on the top of the vodka bottle.

_He's going to drink and he shouldn't. Don't reach for the knife, Cal. Please don't get violent again._

Cal stared straight ahead and Gillian lifted herself up off the sheets, cautious about putting any weight on her cut arm and held her legs close to her chest.

_Should I move slow or just ran for it? Grab my clothes and run or should I get that knife?_

Before she could move in either direction, Cal grabbed the bottle and turned his head to look at her.

"Care for a sip, love?"

He offered her the bottle, but Gillian made no move to take it from him as she stared into his faded eyes.

_Is this what it was before? His eyes seem different. Not dark and angry. Will he freak out if I say no? I might as well try saying it._

"I don't want any, Cal. No."

Cal shrugged, nodded, unscrewed the cap and took a sip himself before he spoke.

"All right."

_He says all right? What next? Is he calm or is this the calm before the storm?_

Her eyes stole a quick glance at the knife and Cal noticed and sat up straighter.

_No. Don't grab the knife, Cal._

"Cal-"

"Want that knife?"


	5. Chapter 5

**V**

Her eyes flew back to the knife but Cal didn't look away from Gillian's face.

_Is he offering me the knife or is this a trick? Is he sorry or faking remorse?_

She looked into Cal's eyes again and they looked empty of any positive or negative emotions.

_Please don't attack me again Cal._

"Cal, are you-"

"Answer the question, Foster. Do you want that knife? Be honest now."

_Honest? I'm terrified of you right now. I believe if I say the wrong thing you'll hurt me more._

A full minute passed with no response from Gillian and no movement from either one of them, then Cal shifted his weight towards her and she nodded.

"Yes, yes, I want the knife!"

As Cal stood up and grabbed the knife handle, Gillian backed away to the far edge of the bed.

_Get out of here, Gillian. Just get out of here! Go!_

Cal tossed the knife onto the bed next to her hip and Gillian stared at it before she looked up at him.

_He just gave me the knife. Cal gave me the knife. He gave me the knife? Why? What is he doing? Has he really stopped? Is the attack over?_

"Why are you looking at me like that, all confused? I'm giving you the knife."

_Find where his mind is._

"Cal, do you know where you are?"

Her question hit him and Cal took a step back, shock and anger crossing his face, and Gillian placed her hand on the bed, next to the knife.

"What is this? Are you analyzing me?"

_Yes, now answer the damn question._

"Could you please just answer the question, Cal?"

He studied her for any hint on her face of what was on her mind but Gillian knew how to look blank and her passiveness pushed Cal a little farther.

"I'm in my house! What the bloody hell kind of question was that!"

_Please don't yell. Calm down, Cal. Just calm down. Please._

"Where in your house are you?"

_Just keep answering these questions._

"Obviously I'm in my fucking bedroom! What's with these damn questions, Foster?"

_Stop yelling. Stop cursing. Calm down. Please. I'm just trying to make you self-aware._

"Cal, do you realize what you just did in your bedroom?"

_Acknowledge what you've done, Cal. Face it. This will help you._

It felt as though all the air escaped the room when Cal heard this question, and for half a minute, he stood very still before he replied.

"Excuse me? What did you just say?"

_I have to repeat myself? You know what I just said._

"Do you know what you have just done to me in your bedroom?"

Cal's reaction came in the form of clenched fists and leaning a bit forward as he yelled.

"I don't need a fucking head doctor!"

_Do not lose your temper with me! I am trying to help you!_

"You do! You need help Cal and I don't think I can help you!"

_Do you hear me? You need help._

"Don't be an idiot Foster. You are helping me!"

_What? I'm helping him how? Releasing your anger on me is not the answer, Cal!_

"How the hell I'm I helping you? By being your fucking punching bag? And don't you dare answer that with a yes like I know you're about to do!"

_This is not going as well as I hoped it would. I shouldn't have pushed him this far this fast._

Cal took a step forward, anger shaking his entire body.

"What did you just fucking say to me?"

She didn't shrink back in fear as Cal towered over her, but Gillian's fingers moved closer to the knife hilt.

_Careful Gillian. You can still bring him back. Just pick your words careful-oh fuck it. He needs to hear this uncensored and I have the knife now._

"Cal, you're sick, and you need serious help, the kind I can't give you. Perhaps the kind of help you need may even be in an institution!"

_Okay, I've said it, now how is he going to take it?_

As Cal launched himself at her, Gillian saw pure fury on his face and her hand flew to the knife.

"You little-"

"Cal, no!"

Cal crossed the mattress and grabbed Gillian's throat as she closed her fingers around the hilt of the knife and then they toppled over the edge of the bed.

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no._

Gillian's head smacked the floor, as did Cal's, and he rolled off of her as she groaned in pain.

_My head. Oh I haven't felt like this since the last time I drank tequila._

Next to her, Cal coughed, then, hissed in pain and his hand swept across the floor until he found her arm.

_Oh God Cal._

Her grip tightened again on the knife and she raised her hand an inch off the floor as her eyes traveled up Cal's hand on her other arm.

_What is he going to do now? How badly did he hurt his head?_

She meet his eyes and her breathing halted when she saw the pain and anger.

"Cal?"

_I think I've lost him again. No, please let him be in there._

As she stared at him, waiting for a reply or even a sign, Gillian breathed harder and harder until she was panting.

_Say something Cal! Let me know you're still in there!_

Cal released her arm only to grab her shoulders, push them against the floor and crush her lips with his own.

_No! Stop! You won't do this again Cal!_

Gillian raised the knife but Cal slipped his hands down her arms to her elbows and pinned her lower arm.

"Drop the knife Gillian."

_Like hell I am letting go of this knife!_

"No! Let me go!"

_You came back before, you can come back again, Cal!_

She moved her legs to kick at him, but Cal moved faster and straddled her hips.

_No, no, no! This is not happening again. This is not happening again!_

"I said drop the fucking knife, Foster!"

_Never! Never, never, never!_

"And I said get off of me Cal!"

Gillian struggled, bucking and trying to throw Cal off balance, but he stopped that by sitting on her hips.

"Stop fighting me!"

Cal grabbed the hand with the knife in it and slammed it against the hardwood floor, again and again and again until Gillian dropped it.

_Oh my God my hand I need that knife oh God!_

With his foot, Cal kicked the knife away and it skittered under the bed.

_Where is it? Under the bed? I can still get it I just have to get him off of me!_

Cal's weight shifted and Gillian pushed against him but found her whole body crushed between him and the floor as he kissed her neck.

_I can't move, I can't move, I can't move!_

Her tears flowed faster this time and Gillian started hyperventilating, unable to breath, save for quick, shallow breaths.

_Get off, get off, get off, get off!_

When she felt Cal press against her thigh and climb higher, Gillian rammed her knee into the tendon above his.

_Get the hell off of me!_

Cal released her arms and grabbed his knee, rolling off Gillian and giving her time to wiggle around and crawl under the bed.

_The knife. Where's the knife? Where's the knife?_

A glint caught her eye and Gillian grinned as she kept low and pulled herself across the floor beneath the bed to the other side.

"Foster!"

A hand closed around Gillian's foot and pulled, but she grabbed the bed frame and heaved until Cal lost his grip and let go.

_Get it. Get the knife. Get it now Gillian!_

She slid out from under the bed and her fingers closed around the knife handle just as Cal's shadow fell across Gillian and the floor.

_He's behind me now cut him!_

Gillian sliced the knife through the air as she turned over onto her back, but Cal dodged the blade and grabbed her wrist, continuing her momentum to the floor with his weight behind it.

"Cal, no!"

The impact sent a shockwave up Gillian's arm and she released the knife.

_My hands! They hurt. Oh God my whole body hurts. Please stop Cal!_

Cal grabbed her neck with both hands, hauled Gillian off the floor and slammed her against the wall.

"That was a very, very stupid thing to do, Foster."

_He's gone again. Oh God he's gone again! Bring him back! Come back, Cal, come back!_

"Cal you gave me the knife! Remember? You came back for a minute. You were aware-"

"What are you talking about? I never left! Now stop talking that psychobabble bullshit!"

He squeezed the air out of her lungs and slammed Gillian against the wall twice before letting go of her neck and watching her drop like a brick onto the floor.

_Someone. Help. Me._

As the oxygen reentered her lungs, Gillian stopped herself from coughing or making any noise as she watched Cal pick up the knife.

_Hide. Bathroom. Go. Now. Lock. Door._

She backpedaled across the floor, but Cal caught her out the corner of his eye and she saw his entire face darken.

"Cal! Don't!"

Gillian slipped inside the bathroom and kicked the door just as Cal's hand caught it.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?"


	6. Chapter 6

**VI**

Gillian's scream came out of her throat no louder than a whimper.

_I pushed him too far too quick and he's gone again!_

"No Cal, please-"

"I don't want to hear you say that word!"

Cal clenched his fists and when Gillian brought up her arms to protect her face, he seized her wrist and pulled her up off the floor.

"What are you do-"

"Shut up! Come on, walk!"

He tried dragging her out of the bathroom but she slapped him across the face then twisted out of his grip.

_Get in the bathroom and lock the door!_

"Get away from me! Stay away from me!"

She backed into the bathroom, noted the knife on the bedroom floor where she dropped it, and grabbing the door with both hands, she swung it shut only for Cal to recover and burst through.

"Or we can do this here. I really don't care."

_What? Do what here?_

Cal backhanded her then grabbed her by the shoulders and threw Gillian against the wall.

_No more. Stop it, please, stop it. No more walls! No more please!_

Gillian watched Cal as she sat up, but he didn't move a single muscle.

_What's he doing?_

"What are you talking about Cal? What are you saying? Do what? Do what here?"

Smiling, Cal lunged at her and he grabbed Gillian's legs, pulling her to him even as she kicked at him.

"I want to feel again Foster!"

_He's going to do it! Then he's going to kill me!_

Gillian screamed again and her throat burned as she shrieked and yelled while Cal pushed her to the floor and climbed on top of her.

"No Cal, stop it! No! No! Don't! Just stop! Please stop! Get off me! Stop! Stop please, stop!"

_No please don't do this Cal, don't do this!_

He growled, grabbed Gillian's chin and peered into her eyes.

"I said don't say-"

"Please stop Cal! This is no way to feel anything and Emily would hate you for this! You hate men who do this to women! Stop it!"

_Please God let that have worked. Let him snap out of this._

Cal froze and stared into her eyes, then he studied her face, and what he saw made him get off her and sit with his back against the door as he watched the air.

_The knife is in the bedroom. Wait, where's his razor?_

As Gillian's eyes searched the room for the drawer that held his shaving razor, Cal took a deep breath, looked at Gillian, and spoke.

"She's dead Foster."

_Who? Emily? He wants to talk about Emily? Okay, let's talk about Emily._

"I know Cal. I know. It's pain-"

"It hurts so damn much! I can't stand it! All I feel is pain."

_Yes, please tell me about your emotional pain while we avoid discussing my physical pain, which you caused!_

Gillian swallowed and pulled her knees up to her chest as she kept one eye on Cal for any sudden movement and she kept another eye on the drawers.

_Where does he keep that shaving razor?_

Cal rose of the floor and stood at the sink before he glanced down at Gillian and offered her a helping hand to stand up.

_A friendly gesture? Accept it Gillian. You may not be able to stand up on your own._

Placing her hand within his, Gillian grabbed hold of the counter and hoisted herself up with Cal's help.

_Now what? Is he going to let me walk out of this bathroom? I'm not even sure if I can walk out of his bedroom on my own. I'm so sore!_

"Cal, I need to sit down. On the toilet lid."

His eyes widened and Cal nodded his head as he helped guide Gillian over to the toilet and he closed the lid before he set her down.

"How much pain are you-"

"Don't ask me about my pain. Don't talk about it. Just don't Cal. Don't."

She glared at him for a moment as she spoke, then Gillian looked heavenward and shut up.

_I don't want to talk about that. I can't. Not now._

Neither spoke for several seconds as Gillian sat rigid still and Cal fidgeted, glancing up into her face again and again.

"I'm sorry Gil-"

"Stop it C-"

"Fos-"

"No."

_Stop trying to apologize. I can't think about that either right now and I don't want to hear it._

Cal shut up, stood up and walked over to the sink where he stared at his reflection.

_Look into your eyes and tell me what you see Cal. Do you still have a soul or did it die with Emily? You've stopped attacking me and you apologized, so tell me you can see your soul._

"I'll go get your clothes Foster."

_No. I can't get dressed. I hurt too much._

"No, Cal. Just help me get in the bath."

His hand on the door handle, Cal stopped and looked back at Gillian and she saw shock on his face and in his eyes.

"The bath? But-"

"You didn't rape me Cal, you just beat the hell out of me as you tried and now I'm so stiff and sore that I can barely move, so please help me get in the bath!"

_I didn't mean to yell, or maybe I did. I just need warmth._

Cal winced and turned away, resting his forehead against the doorframe.

_Or I can just get myself into the bath._

Gathering her strength, Gillian grabbed the corner of the shower and lifted herself off the toilet.

_Why do my legs hurt so much? He punched me in the face and on the chest. I'm just so tired and bruised, I don't want to move._

She took one step and felt Cal move close behind her.

_You attack me again and I will use all my reserve strength to snap your neck. Don't tempt me Cal._

With a gentleness Gillian saw often, but for the first time that day, Cal placed his arms beneath Gillian's and supported her weight as he helped her walk up to his bathtub.

_Part of me wishes to thank you and another part of me wishes I could punch you in the face and start crying. Why have you done this Cal?_

Cal moved again behind her, picked Gillian up in his arms and set her down in the bath.

_I barely registered that he picked me up. He's being gentle and I can't figure out how I feel towards him._

Gillian pulled her knees up to her chest, placed her chin on her knees and hugged her legs.

_I feel so much right now and I can't handle all these emotions. I just want to scream and cry and bury my face in my hands._

"What temperature do you want, Foster?"

"Hot. Just hot."

"Bath or shower?"

_Huh? That's a really good question. I don't know._

Looking up at Cal, Gillian frowned, then, her eyes moved to the switch that would allow hot water to run down her body and hide her tears.

_A bath will take forever to fill._

"A shower. Warm water, slightly hot."

"Okay."

He didn't say another word while he turned on the water, tested the warmth on his hand and then clicked on the shower.

_Oh that is perfect! Yes. Oh my muscles! This water feels good._

It took Gillian a few moments before she realized she was smiling and then she cracked.

_I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry!_

The tears began running down her face as Gillian buried her face behind her knees and her entire body shook.

_I don't think...I have ever...cried...like this!_

Cal pulled her into a hug and Gillian struggled against him for three seconds before she buried her head beneath her arms and sobbed aloud.

"Let me...be, Cal. Go get...my clothes. Give me...space."

"Gillian-"

"Go, please."

"Foster!"

"Cal, please! Go!"

_Leave me be and just go._

She closed her eyes and settled her forehead on her knees and after a few seconds, Gillian heard Cal get up, walk out of the bathroom and close the door behind him.

_I need a few minutes by myself. Just give me a few minutes._

Gillian put her legs down and let the hot water run over her battered chest, then clamped her jaw shut and stuck her cut arm under the water.

_Okay. This doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, or maybe I've just become numb to how much pain I'm really in._

"Cal-"

"Yes?"

The door was open and Cal stood in the bathroom wearing sweatpants and holding her clothes in his hands before Gillian could register hearing the door open.

_Either my brain is slow or Cal is fast. What did I need? Oh yes._

"I need a towel and help getting up."

"Of course."

Cal set the clothes on toilet, grabbed a towel, flicked off the shower and threw the towel around Gillian's shoulders.

_It's like I'm in a dream but I know I'm awake._

"Cal, are you going to attack me again? Like before?"


	7. Chapter 7

**VII**

"Gillian, I...no. I would never...I'm sorry."

_I believe you. It's all over your face and in your voice. You are sorry._

"Could you help me get up?"

Cal nodded and lifted her from her elbows, helping Gillian step out of the bathtub before he maneuvered her over the toilet.

"Do you need help getting dressed?"

_Um, what? I'm so sore. I don't feel like sitting._

"I don't want to sit. Just set me against the sink."

Her whispery dulled voice caused a flash of panic to run over Cal's face and he propped her against the sink as he tried to look into her eyes.

"Foster, how are you feeling?"

_Wow, you ask dumb questions Cal._

"I'm tired."

"Do you feel like you're going to pass out?"

_I'm fine._

"No. I want to pass out. I just want to sleep."

"Don't go to sleep.

"I don't have a concussion. I'm coherent and I can do math-"

"Do not go to sleep, love."

_Love? Love? He calls me love?_

"Cal, do not call me love."

"All right. I'm sorry."

The next second Cal was no longer by her side, but at the bathroom door with his hand on the doorknob.

"Where are you going? Cal?"

_What is he doing?_

"I'm calling 911, love."

_He didn't just say..._

"What? 911? Why?"

Cocking his head sideways, Cal studied Gillian's face for her reaction and saw nothing but fear.

"Why? To turn myself in for attempted rape and assault and I'm getting you in an ambulance to the hospital. Why do you look-"

"No you will not!"

_Don't you dare! Don't you dare call them or anyone!_

Cal took his hand off the doorknob and took one step towards Gillian, expecting her to flinch, but she stood her ground, so he took one step more.

"And why won't I?"

_Why? Why? I'll tell you why._

"Because I refuse to have you drag me down any farther than you already have and I will not let myself drag you down any farther than you've already gone!"

She scream her answer into Cal's face, her own a clear mask of anger and Cal took a small step back.

"What are you going on about Foster? You sound crazy!"

_You're going to call me crazy? Look in the mirror behind me Cal._

Gillian took a step towards Cal and kept her towel around her shoulders.

"Crazy is what they're going to call you if anyone hears about this and you are not crazy! And I am not a victim."

_I refuse to be a victim._

As she glared at Cal, his features softened and she saw shock and sadness cross his face as Cal swallowed and searched for his voice.

_And I don't want you to be a victim of yourself either Cal._

Cal cleared his throat, so light Gillian almost didn't hear it.

"Is that what this is about Gillian? You don't want people to see you as a victim?"

_I don't want people to look at me that way._

"Cal, your reputation would be ruined and I don't want either of us to go through any of that."

_Please just accept that and don't question it._

His forehead crinkled and Cal reached out for Gillian's face, but she reared back and he dropped his hands.

_I didn't mean that Cal. I just...I am not afraid of him. I'm not._

Gillian tried to look brave for Cal but he saw through it, swallowed again and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Foster, you know this won't go away by refusing to deal with it! You have to face what happened. I almost-"

"Don't you even dare say it Cal. Don't you dare!"

Cal grabbed the back of her neck, pulled her close to him until their noses almost touched and she pushed against his chest.

"I almost raped you!"

_Stop it, stop it, stop it!_

"Stop it! Shut up! You didn't rape me so shut up!"

_Please shut up. Please shut up. Just shut up!_

Gillian made a half-assed attempt to push Cal away while she struggled not to start crying.

_Don't say it again. Please don't say it again!_

Pinching the back of her neck to force Gillian to look up at him, Cal growled, his face covered in disgust.

"I nearly rape you and you deny it ever happened! And you call yourself a psychologist!"

This time Gillian did push him, shoving Cal back until he hit the door.

_You bastard, you bastard, you bastard!_

"What is that supposed to mean? Huh?"

"You're in denial and it's absurd!"

_He's calling me absurd?_

"I am not! I am not in denial!"

Even as she said it, Gillian swayed where she stood and blinked to hide her tears.

_Please stop talking about it. Please, Cal, I'm begging you, stop talking about it!_

He grabbed her neck again, but didn't have to squeeze the back of her neck again to make her look up at him, as Gillian glared into his eyes.

"Foster I beat the hell out of you! I cut your arm, forced vodka down your throat, tore off

your clothes and shoved my hand between your thighs. I put you through a traumatizing event and you cannot pretend like it never happened! This, what happened, is real!"

_I'm not pretending, I'm not pretending! This is real to me!_

"I'm not pretending that it never happened, Cal. I know what you did. Is it so hard for you to understand that I believe this should be kept between ourselves?"

Cal released her neck and back up a step, staring at her in shock.

"We can't act like this didn't happen, Foster!"

_Listen to me you pompous ass! I'm trying to get this through your thick skull!_

"Cal, you are not listening to me! This will destroy us both! People will look at you like you're a sexual predator and I'm nothing more than a victim."

_And I refuse to be seen as a victim._

"We work with human lie detectors, Gillian. We can't hide this from them!"

_So we take muscle relaxants and then lie to them._

"Then we give them a plausible lie as we work through this is therapy."

He almost laughed and Gillian saw amusement cross Cal's face.

"Therapy? You want-"

"Yes! Therapy."

Cal looked stern and crossed his arms.

"And what lie do you suppose we tell at the office? And who's going to do the lying?"

_I'm not lying to them alone._

"We both lie. We tell them that we're working through a combination of issues."

He nodded and leaned against the door frame, motioning for Gillian to continue.

"Issues like what exactly?"

"Like if we can have a relationship while you're dealing with Emily's death. When you think about it, we wouldn't actually be lying. It is the truth."

_Is it? I've always wondered...but this is a horrible time. I don't think we can. Not right now. Or could we?_

Gillian didn't notice Cal approach her until he was standing three inches away from her.

"What are you saying Foster? Are you saying you want more of a relationship than we already have?"

_I think I am._

"I...yes."

Cal studied her face, looking for the tell tale signs of a lie, or doubt, or fear, but he found none of those things, just assurance.

"I don't understand you. I tried to rape you and you tell me you love me."

_No, you don't understand me. You don't understand this._

"No, I love you despite what you've done. I've always loved you despite the wild and crazy and dangerous things that you do. You drive me absolutely insane, make me so mad, but I have always and will always care for you. I don't understand either why I still love you after what you did but all I know is that I still do."

_And I'm going to need some therapy alone to figure all of this out._

Soaking in her words, Cal stepped past her and stood in front of the mirror.

"Gillian, come here. Come look in this mirror with me."

_What are you doing Cal?_

She turned, still clutching the towel around her shoulders as she stood next to Cal.

_Why do I need to look into a mirror with you?_

Cal's hand grabbed an object from behind the faucet and he flicked it open, pulled Gillian in front of him and pressed it to the nape of her neck before she had a chance to fight him.

_That's the shaver I was looking for._

They both stood still, their faces calm, too calm.

"Cal. Cal, what are you doing? Put it down. Stop this."

_Don't you dare. Don't you even dare._

"I'm a monster, Gillian."

_What?_

"No, you are only a monster if you choose to be a monster and you would never choose to be a monster. Cal put it down."

_Please just put it down._

"This is who you want to be with, love?"

_Yes, but this is also the person I want to hit with a frying pan. Or baseball bat. I think this is a love hate thing. I love him but I also hate him. Yes I need therapy._

"Cal, I'm not afraid of you."


	8. Chapter 8

**VIII**

"What was that?"

_Don't be ridiculous Cal._

"I'm not afraid of you."

She watched Cal's face in the mirror and caught a flash of relief that turned into confusion.

"You're not?"

Gillian put her hand out and closed her fingers to her palm several times in a beckoning motion.

"Give me the blade Cal."

The expression on her face of complete calm changed only to allow for a hint of exasperation.

_Just give me the blade. Hand it over._

Cal placed the handle on her palm and stepped back.

_Finally._

Keeping the blade out, Gillian turned around and stared at Cal with a closed expression.

"Foster-"

"Don't. I want you to listen, Cal, not talk."

She pressed the blade against his arm, just on top of his artery, but she didn't shove it into the skin.

_Don't try and move Cal._

"Fos-"

"Shhh. We are going to do this my way. No one is to know I look this way because you attacked me, except, of course, our therapist. And don't give me another line about how we work with human lie detectors, because I don't plan on seeing any of them, or anyone else for that matter, until I am healed. We are going to get dressed and you are going to drive me to a friend's house in New York. She's a doctor. I can stay with her until I'm healed. You're going to find a therapist who can help you work through your destructive behavior. I'll leave it up to you to decide if you want to tell Zoe what happened here today. Emily was her daughter too, and you two may be able to work together to heal. Do you understand me, Cal?"

His face turned unreadable, and that scared Gillian more than anything that had happened since she arrived at his house almost an hour ago.

_He's blank. He can't be blank. Cal is never blank. What's going on? Is he trying to hide from me what he's going to do next?_

"No, Foster. I disagree."

Cal's hand closed over her wrist and he pulled, but Gillian twisted her fingers and only scratched Cal with his blade.

"Cal, what the hell!"

Pain shot through her hand and up her arm as Cal squeezed and twisted and moved the blade closer to his chest.

"What are doing? Stop that! Let me go! Stop!"

He stopped when he pressed the blade against his neck and the fury etched upon his features brought a scream to Gillian's throat.

_No! No, no no! Please God, no!_

Her throat burned as she screamed and Gillian hit Cal in the solar plexus.

"Gil!"

Cal's voice sounded surprised by what she had done and his face showed his surprise.

_You're an ass, Cal!_

The pain in her arm lessened as Cal loosened his grip on her wrist, but she couldn't pull free of him.

"Let. Go. Of. My. Wrist. Cal!"

Her words were punctuated by stress, not fear like Cal expected, so he released her wrist before he backed into the wall.

_Finally. What the hell am I going to do with you Cal?_

"I'm sorry Foster."

_Now I'm Foster again? Does this mean he's himself again?_

She stared into his eyes, burrowing into his soul as she rubbed her wrist.

"What are you sorry for, Cal? What? Tell me. Please tell me what you're sorry for!"

_And don't be shy about your word choice or I will hit you again!_

"Hurting you."

_Yes?_

"Go on."

_Go ahead and say it. All of it._

Fear settled in Cal's eyes before worry lines etched themselves across his face.

_He looks like he just aged fifteen years in five seconds._

"I'm the worst person in the world for what I did to you."

_Good start but not that is not good enough!_

She pushed him with her free hand as the one that gripped the razor shook so hard she almost dropped it.

"That's not enough Cal! I want to hear you say it! Say what you did! Say it!"

_Just say, just say it, just say it!_

"I attacked you! I hurt you! I beat you! I tried to rape you!"

Gillian sank to the floor, curled up into a ball and jammed her fists against her ears.

_Shut up, shut up..._

"Shut up! Shut up, Cal, shut up! Just shut up!

_I changed my mind I don't want to hear this!_

She was shaking so hard again that the sharp edge of Cal's razor danced close to the tip of her ear.

"Foster, give me the razor before you cut yourself."

_Give you the razor? You?_

"No!"

_Get away from me!_

"Foster, give it to me!"

_No!_

Gillian jabbed at him with the razor, but Cal just grabbed her wrist and squeezed until she dropped it.

_No, no, no, no, no!_

"Don't!"

She tried to grab the razor but Cal scooped it up before she could.

_ Not again, not again. Please don't hurt me again!_

Cal looked up at Gillian's face and saw pure fear.

"No. Gillian, calm down. Foster, look at me and take a deep breath and calm down."

_Calm down? Calm down? He wants me to calm down?_

"Don't hurt me, Cal. Please don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, please. Please, don't hurt me."

Her hands were in front of her face and Gillian looked like she was praying, a pathetic position that made Cal want to hold her close and promise that everything would be okay, but he knew he couldn't touch her.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Foster. I swear. I promise, I will not hurt you."

The fear didn't leave her face, but Cal saw curiosity in her eyes.

"You promise? Why should I believe you?"

_I just want to know that this is over. Please, God, let this be over._

Cal handed her back the razor, closing her fingers around it before standing up and leaving the bathroom, returning with Gillian's clothes.

"Get dressed and I'll take you to that friend's house in New York."

_He's agreeing to my terms._

"What about the therapist, Cal?"

_You have to go to a therapist._

"You're a psychologist, Foster. Have anyone in mind?"

_A few names, but none float to the top._

"I'll give you a name before we reach New York."

_But right now could you give me some privacy so I can get dressed?_

He stared at her for a few more seconds until he recognized the awkwardness, then Cal stood up and looked anywhere else but Gillian, who still sat curled up on the floor, gripping the razor.

"Right, I'm going to go put some clothes on. Just come out when you're dressed."

After a short pause, Cal left the bathroom, closing the door behind him, leaving Gillian alone.

_God, please help us._

She dressed, then braced herself for her, and his, coming recovery.

_**The End**_

Author's note: That's the end of this story. Thank you for reading and thank you for the reviews. I know not everyone liked this, but luckily I didn't get any flames. This story was hard to write, but the characters led me through it. There is a possibility for a sequel, but I'm not having any luck with it. PM me if you have any questions, suggestions, or just want to talk.


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